I had to let go and fall apart in many ways in the past 10 years, in particular, to get to where I am now in my journey of growth and health. But April particularly took the cake for a whole month of unravelling! I wrote this post at the end of April to share where I was and to support your own letting go…..
The reason I share so much about how fatigue comes from a place of holding and talk about the Holding Personality is because I know this holding so very well. I am VERY familiar with holding on and holding it all together.
I’ve received a First Class Pass with Honours in White Knuckling it…. but I have to be honest that when it comes to letting go and falling apart I’m nowhere near as proficient!
Fortunately, I now know that falling apart is good. It’s trying to hold it all together and resist the current of life that is not good for me.
Or for anyone.
Every time we fall apart we are like the caterpillar that becomes a gooey soup of cells inside the chrysalis. And then we have a mini rebirth and emerge as a beautiful, fully formed butterfly. There are cycles of this metamorphosis and we can make it easy or make it really, really difficult for ourselves.
If I am honest I don’t think I have ever really let myself completely become that gooey soup.
I am a very strong person. I used to pride myself on that. Until I realised that was why I was tired and sick. Now I sometimes wish I didn’t have this default instinct that drives me to push through and find the positive and come up with a solution instead of simply surrendering and flowing with the falling apart.
I KNOW I need to just feel and allow the falling apart and it’s definitely getting easier but I only usually do it up until a point and then I snap back to “I am fine” mode again, often not realising that I am only a half-formed butterfly.
So I wanted to tell you….I haven’t got this all figured out. I am learning as much as I am teaching and supporting others. In fact, the more I walk this path with other beautiful, tired women the more I fall apart and the more I learn and grow.
But here’s something else that is really very important. I now trust and even, at times, look forward to the falling apart.
As much as a part of me desperately tries to hold on, the part of me that let’s go holds that other part with deep compassion (this I have learned through my meeting of the feminine within me).
So I write this now feeling vulnerable, broken and fragile. I write this now feeling stuck in my work and stuck in many aspects of my life. I write this now because I want you to see the other part of me. I want you to see that I haven’t got it all figured out. I write it now because I want you to know that you are not alone and that everyone falls apart.
And it’s not only OK. It’s good and necessary….
When I moved to St Francis Bay I knew that I was at a cross-roads and I was choosing a path that involved something different. Something more. I didn’t know what it was but I knew it was necessary and it was my truth.
But when we choose something new then the old needs to die. Dying is not easy. There is a lot of grief. I have been feeling it in small ways since I got here. But the last month has been filled with grief of so many shapes and flavours.
And in between that I glimpse the enticing, sparkling possibilities of something new, while still not fully understanding what that will look like. And, for once, I am truly OK not knowing what that is. I am OK to rest into this feminine, fertile void allowing this something new to unfold.
To help me in this time I regularly breathe, stay connected to the earth and nature and I am showing and sharing my feelings instead of holding it all in and mistakenly believing I am protecting all those around me.
I want you to know… it is NOT weak to fall apart. It is the strongest thing you could possibly do. And it’s the best way to allow your truth, health and best self to unfold.
I honour you all for being fallible, imperfect, broken humans as much as you are beautiful, strong and loving beings.
My prayer is that you learn to know and accept all these aspects of yourselves.
Please feel free to share your own thoughts in the comments on falling apart to come back together even stronger. Is this strange to you? Something you can do? Something you resist? What is your fear about falling apart?