Most of the exhausted people I work with and know are givers.
This often goes hand-in-hand with rescuing and/or people-pleasing (also called Fawning). All of these behaviours, when done to an extreme that causes imbalance and ill health, are trauma adaptations rather than healthy personality attributes. You can learn more about the Holding Personality in this post and this post
In my coaching programme I support people to feel safe enough to not have to fall back on these default behaviours and we work on connection to the self to be able to feel when it feels good to give and when it doesn’t, as well as feeling what is needed for wellness and balance.
Right now, I’d like to share three valuable steps for you to balance your giving and your energy.
1. If it Doesn’t Feel Good Don’t Do it.
If it takes away from your energy and makes you feel contracted in your body then think twice before saying ‘yes’ or giving. Learn to tune into what you really feel when you give. Explore why you give. And ask yourself, “Is this in my greatest and highest good?”
And, no, that is not selfish. If it isn’t in your greatest and highest good to give, then your giving is likely not serving others either. If your giving leaves you exhausted then you can’t be there for others or yourself. If you are actually resenting others when giving then that is harming the relationship. If you are rescuing others you are taking away their opportunity to learn and grow.
We are all connected in this crazy thing we call life. We are social beings that depend on and need each other in different ways. I need you. You need me. That is why I am going to look after me for you.
2. Find the Gift you Receive When Giving
Often, we can have mixed feelings about giving. We want to but we also feel resentful or exhausted. You are only human and this is OK! Also, there are times we have to give as there are others that depend on us for survival or you need to give to earn a living.
If you feel resentful, stressed or stretched by giving then that emotional experience takes even more energy from you than just the actual act of giving.
The good news is that we can choose how we wish to feel about giving even if we feel we HAVE to give, and it is almost always possible to find the gift in the giving and to allow ourselves to be nourished by that gift.
When your child once again whines for your attention allow yourself to be fed by the play that happens when you spend time together. When you have to meet the needs of clients or customers acknowledge the gift of the money they pay you for the service you offer. As you give you receive. This is an energetic law of life.
However, be careful of falling into the trap of using this type of thinking to justify all your giving and rescuing behaviour! Firstly, tune in and ask yourself if the giving is really serving you and, when you go ahead with the giving, look for the gift you receive at the same time.
3. Let Go to Be Supported
If you often feel exhausted and unsupported remember that you can only be supported when you let go.
Imagine allowing yourself to stop pulling upwards and forwards in your body and to sink down in your body and into the ground. It can almost feel as if the ground is coming up to meet you. But the ground has always been there to support you. Maybe you never let yourself rest down into the beautiful supporting energy of Mother Earth to notice it like this!
While I’m talking about energetic and spiritual support of the nervous system (and I teach embodied practices to learn how to receive this) this principle holds true for the people in your life too. As long as you always give they don’t think you need to receive and won’t step up to give back to you.
Maybe consider putting down the reigns and letting someone else pick them up for a bit. Please note that this can be very scary when there has been trauma involving neglect, powerlessness and unpredictability. In this case, trauma work may be necessary which is also why this is an integral part of my 1:1 Fatigue to Flow coaching programme.
Life is abundant. Divine feminine energy creates life and provides life force on this planet and this feminine life force, abundance and nourishment is always available to you too.
Sometimes you just have to learn how to let go and remember how to receive…..
If you want to learn more about balancing your energy, how to address trauma adaptations that exhaust you and how to calm your nervous system you are welcome to send me an email at kerry@Kerrymagnus.net.
