Meeting new people with my children is always interesting (especially if they have children of their own). Of course, a part of me really wants them to like my children. A part of me wants people to think I’ve done well as a mom by having model children. Mostly, that part of me really wants my children to be acceptable because I want to protect them from what happens when they’re not.
Fortunately, as much as part of me wants these things, another part of me has learned to separate these needs and not allow myself to become too attached to them. Partly because, I’ve learned in life that not everyone will like me or my kids or will think I’m a good mom and that that is actually quite OK as it’s not an indication of what I choose to think and feel about myself and my children. Secondly, my children aren’t always likeable! (Neither am I!)
As much as I tried for so many years to pass being a Good Girl with straight A’s and a regular compliment I have brought into this world two children who are not willing to conform to the Good Girl and Good Boy model. When you meet my daughter you’ll probably describe her as rude and prickly with a look that could quite easily pierce through you. The truth is it takes her a long time to warm up to people and to trust people, she is acutely sensitive to others’ emotions and energy and she’s pretty anxious. My friends have been known to celebrate when they finally receive a hello from her. But the reward is so worthwhile because once you’re in there you’re IN!
My son is the exact opposite of my daughter by being a LOT in everything he does.
He’ll want to be your best friend and will invite himself to your home the first time you meet him. He loves hard, plays hard, makes noise a LOT, gets busy a LOT and can be a bit (LOT) overwhelming.
My Good Girl mommy self used to squirm and I’d feel the need to apologise for my children.
But now I know that it’s awesome that they are as they are and I try the best I can to let them be all of that because that is their truth and not living their truth could make them ill. Because that is what happened to me.
A big part of my own healing journey following Adrenal Fatigue Syndrome was learning and accepting that I am not actually a Good Girl. At least not ALL the time. In fact, a big part of me is pretty quirky, outspoken, non-conformist, bossy, and can probably be quite overwhelming, Another part of me is prickly and defensive at times. I’m ALL of that.
It took so much energy to resist all of that and to judge all of that and to show up as the Good Girl/Good Wife/Good Mother all the time. It was no wonder I burnt out.
I couldn’t even be the Good Psychologist properly because I soon realised it was much too small of a box to fit into and I was too interested in energy, and woo woo and sacred sexuality which all didn’t fit very well into that box.
It took becoming chronically exhausted from trying to fit in the box to cause me to fall apart and let the other parts of me start to hang out more. I was just too darn tired to keep all of me held together, bound up by my perceptions of what was expected of me. I was brought to my knees and when I was there I came face to face with who I was before I put myself in the box. And guess what that was – very similar to many aspects of my daughter and my son now.
So I won’t apologise for who my children are because I will no longer apologise for who I am and if it makes people feel uncomfortable I have learned that that is OK too. After all, we all have to face our own shadows at some point.
What about you? Could your chronic fatigue and exhaustion be asking you to face some shadows that hide the fullness of your quirky, awesome self from the world?
