As a child she always felt different. She felt like others could understand things that really didn’t make that much sense to her. Yet, she just seemed to know things that others had no idea about. She also felt things that other people didn’t seem to feel.
These feelings were often so big they felt like they might just explode out of her or cause her to fall apart. Instead of acknowledgement and support she was often told to ‘pick up her bottom lip’ or was sent to her room when her big feelings burst, unrestrained, out of her.
Strangely, she felt the most alive when her anger pushed through but she quickly learned that was not OK.
No matter how much she tried to understand the rules and how hard she relentlessly strived to do everything well and ‘just right’, she felt like she was different, did not quite belong and was just not enough.
Strangely, another part of her actually didn’t want to fit in and be enough. This part could feel how she died a little inside when she did try to fit herself into the boxes. This part could taste the value of freedom even though the risk of being untamed was just so high.
This desire to fit in while resisting being boxed in was just one contradiction she lived. She lived many other contradictions too, like deeply valuing close connections but not trusting people. With a thin skin and a big heart, it was just better to keep them all at arms length despite craving more connection and attention.
She carried an intensity of energy and was never still but she was always more tired than her friends, and restorative downtime was a non-negotiable that she constantly shirked because that would make her ‘lazy’ and different.
Her head never stopped. Ever. Always thinking and worrying. The world just felt too much and too overwhelming. Yet people were drawn to her because she provided a safe, calm place in her compassion and empathy.
On the surface she looked calm, capable, responsible, clever – a ‘good girl’ many would say. Yet underneath she felt like a fraud. Never enough, never fitting in, never meeting the standards that the world seemed to live by.
In later years, to cope, she started drinking – it quietened the noise. It made her brave. It helped her to fit in and be ‘normal’. She strictly watched what she ate to control her body as a weak substitute for trying to control her mind and emotions.
But she was deluding herself. She couldn’t control anything as her body appeared to fight back – to the point that she felt she had cottonwool between her ears and lived in a perpetual fog. Her limbs felt like she was wading through mud. Her foundations felt rocker and more unsteady than ever as dizziness became more frequent. Sleep evaded her despite her body wanting to do nothing else but sleep. She stopped feeling any joy. She couldn’t push herself anymore despite her once iron-clad will. Her body no longer listened or could be controlled.
The doctors told her it was stress. Then they told her it was depression. She knew it was possibly a little bit of both but also much more than either. She felt so frustrated and truly believed that this would be her life forever.
Do you know this person? Can you resonate?
She was me.
I also see here in the many clients that come to see me disconnected from life, desperate, powerless and ashamed. This is the person who has usually given up after trying everything the doctor and the internet prescribed. But I like to remind this person it’s not the end. It’s just the beginning of a whole new way of being.
I encourage a re-frame: Your body is not trying to stop or punish you. It’s actually protecting you in the most clever, inherent way.
The autonomic nervous system has an incredible process for self-preservation. When there’s been too much stress, too much trauma, too much overwhelm (including sensory and environmental) the body shuts down to preserve the precious energy that remains, to avoid constant stimulation and activation, all while waiting for the ‘all clear’ signal to come again.
Usually it doesn’t because this isn’t like a terrifying but once-off car accident or running from a fire. It’s the chronic day-to-day experience of living that has been endured, unquestioned, since childhood. Until one final stressor tips the nervous system over the edge into shut down and self-preservation.
Many people sadly stay in freeze state for months to years. They also make it worse by trying to fix themselves in ways that feel even more threatening to the nervous system (e.g. detoxes, more exercise, fasting, judging themselves relentlessly).
When all we know is pushing ourselves, fixing ourselves, and trying to be perfect and in control it’s no wonder our nervous systems stay stuck.
For some of you perhaps that’s been years of debilitating fatigue. For others perhaps you’re on a rollercoaster of feeling pretty functional and other times crashing, but never returning to version of you from before.
Then there are those who are just plain tired of a disconnected, exhausting life of survival, hustle and overwhelm where you just KNOW that so much more is possible but you don’t know how to get there.
YES, so much more is possible and if you choose to work with your body -no matter where are right now, and learn to signal safety to your body, you can start to discover not your old normal (because that way of living is what you got you here in the first place!) but a far more connected, nourished, supported way of living.
Your body isn’t the enemy but your nudge towards transformation.
This year I want to support and empower as many of you as I am able to. I want you to know that you’re seen, you’re not alone, you’re enough and you’re far more powerful than you may believe right now.
One very potent way to begin this journey is to join me for the Rooted Retreat in February (women only) where I will support you to reset, reconnect, remember who you are and rise from there. With practical tools to take back out into the world. NOTE: there’s only 1 week left to receive the early bird discount.
Another way I can support you is through my 1:1 Fatigue to Flow Coaching. To discover if this is a good fit for you why not start with a jumpstart session to get clarity on where you are now and what you need going forward.
Otherwise, subscribe to my podcast or watch my videos and watch this space where I’ll be sharing some practical tips and tools this year and will continue to see and support you.
Yes, you are right….More is possible and you’re allowed to hope for it.
