A Letter to Exhausted Perfectionists

[Listen here if you prefer to listen on the go.]

The thing about perfectionism is that the perfectionist doesn’t know it is perfectionism.

They think it’s normal. They think that what others consider normal is a lowering of standards and that feels like a complete no go area.  After all, perfectionism is tied into identity, worth and safety, often since very early childhood. So it’s just not an option to allow anything less.

In my early life, my body needed to be Kate Moss or Claudia Schiffer standard to be acceptable. I needed to be the top squash player in my age category because second wasn’t enough. I had to be first in class because just getting 80s and 90s without being 1st left me feeling like I’d failed somehow. I needed the popular girls to like me because if I was friends with the other girls, who were actually really much nicer, more secure in themselves and safer options, I was not worthy. If I said something that hurt someone’s feelings, that guilt would hang over me for days and I couldn’t let it go. If a friend or a parent was unhappy with something I did, I felt rejected and unworthy.

I always aimed for the stars and felt like a failure if my result was simply earthbound,
not realizing that no one else was expecting the impossible from me. It was just me.

So what is perfectionism?

Perfectionism is the standards that we set that we believe determine our worth. They also help us to feel in control and we feel safe if we can meet them.

It doesn’t help that in the media we mostly only see the extremes. We see the great successes and we see all that’s gone wrong. No one ever shows us the Messy middle where 90% of us actually reside. Bumbling along and making it work for the most part  – which is really actually quite something in this crazy world of ours.

At school, generally only the smart kids are praised and the fastest and the most adept on the sports fields are recognised. You know those perseverance awards and the most- friendly-in-class awards? They really don’t mean that much to the child who’s lined up to receive it last after the other awards. They know what that position in the line means.

The dreamers, the struggling readers, the ones who don’t get it because to them creating  or  computers makes way more sense than what they’re learning in class….. They know that they aren’t meeting the academic standards that they’re “supposed” to be meeting. Yet many of them will go on to be our most successful pioneers and entrepreneurs.

But at what cost?

Very often shame, anxiety, overwhelm and chronic fatigue and burnout will pave their path
because they are still misguided by the standards of so-called ‘perfect’ and “normal”

And no matter how incredible they are they feel like imposter’s even as they receive the praise. This is also true for people like me who got the firsts but at a great cost. And when someone says, “you’re so smart”, you think, “but I’m not actually, because if I’m so smart why did I have to study so very, very hard to get that mark”  – yet now that the  label smart has been given nothing less is acceptable.

I wish you could see how many of my clients who come to me with burnout and chronic fatigue are perfectionists. They are also the most phenomenal beings who never feel enough. and now that their bodies seem to have ‘quit’ on them, they feel even more like failures. It’s impossible for them to see their worth when they’re not doing and not achieving. They simply can’t believe that being still and being themselves is enough to those that they love.

You should see me now. From someone who cycled 108 kilometres cycle races and exercised six days a week I now run and walk with lots of talking and my other exercise happens when I happily hike in nature and play with my kids. My once always-tidy house is usually a bit, or a lot, of a shambles. It’s often easier just to leave it that way at the end of a long day when we all just really want to go to bed. I expect much less of myself. I’ve softened towards myself and balance is my daily motto. I’m messy, I’m forgetful, I say silly things and I often laugh at myself.

As I healed my inner patterns that kept me so exhausted and kept my nervous system stuck, and as my nervous system learned a new sense of safety, I couldn’t help but to naturally unmask. Because guess what? The true me is not perfect. It’s actually quirky, messy and often late.

It was uncomfortable at first to accept those “lower” but actually normal standards. But when the payoff is more vitality, more joy, a feeling of being connected and actually living an authentic life more fully, it becomes easier and it’s so worth it.

I’m sure many of you may have balked at the idea of a house in shambles or being late, and lowering those standards may feel impossible for you. But if your body feels broken, let me tell you that it’s not actually. It’s just begging you to stop and to aim for more normal standards. And if it’s doing that now, it’s your time for change. And I’m sorry to say this, but you don’t really have a choice (it’s going to keep unfolding through you anyway). I know it’s frustrating but it’s also an amazing invitation.

You won’t be able to do that change so easily If you don’t address the root causes of why you started pushing and being perfect in the first place, Your body and your nervous system need to feel safe and it’s time for you to own your worth as you are. Right now.

If this feels like a foreign country and a different language, please reach out for support from someone who can be your map to guide you in the right direction and can teach you a whole new language to use with yourself.

Maybe that’s someone who will come into your life now because you are ready. Or maybe that someone can be me. If that feels good, like an invitation you didn’t know you needed or you’ve been too afraid to accept please reach out and send me an email.
Let’s talk about what this change can look like.